


A rant

by Rose_fluff



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Gen, I'm Sorry, I'm so tired, Rants, angry, ranting, this is so stupid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:48:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27681724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_fluff/pseuds/Rose_fluff
Summary: Yeah this is just me spilling my guts onto the internet





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it just feels good to get your feelings out onto the internet

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, I don't wanna do this, why do I do this, why do I act so dumb, why do I call myslef dumb, I'm not, I'm really not but if I don't act like it I never get to speak because noone listens when I'm being serious. of course I know what you mean, of course I know you're right, but the moment I stop arguing and being dumb, you stop talking to me and I can't get a word in. but if I'm loud and annoying I can talk and they listen for once, they fucking listen even if it's just me rambling about whatever the fuck, I can ramble and they'll listen because they know I'm wrong and will try to prove me wrong, so then I get to speak to them. I know they just feel sorry for me, I know we're not friends but every time they say it, it hurts, this is why I don't sit with them anymore, it just hurts to much to talk to them, whenever they insult me and call me stupid and weird and say we're not friends it hurts.... It fucking hurts alright and I wish I could say it to thier faces, but every time I try I just break down and cry on my own before I can get a word out. I'm so glad I don't sit with them any more I was suffocating. At least my new group is nice to me... But I know they don't really like me they just let me be there. I get it I'm annoying, sometimes I just wish they would kick me out but I desperately cling on to any scrap of affection I can get, any nice words any conversations I just all feels so nice to me and I wish I could stay like this with them forever. But I know they just feel sorry for me. They would stop talking to me if I stopped talking. So I smile and yell and say dumb shit just to keep a conversation going, just to have them talk to me, just so that they talk to me because noone ever listens when I try to say something serious. Small inconveniences push me to the edge of tears, I want to cry so often. Funny things that are just jokes when someone takes my stuff or what Zarine did with my bag and the laptop thing, gods it hurts. It hurts so bad. Why does it hurt? They're just being friendly, I wish I wasn't always so close to tears. Certain classrooms are just so suffocating like my math classroom, every time I walk in there I feel horrible like I'm being crushed, I feel sick, it gives me a headache and I feel like I'm gonna cry even more than usual. That classroom makes me feel like I'm in a crowded city street and people are all pushing into me. This is why I need my earphones. It's not a music thing it's a comfort thing, it calms me, when I have them in one ear I feel more relaxed, when I have them in both ears I feel safe and secure, I don't even need any music on. It helps, it helps so much. I'm glad miss doesn't mind that kind of thing. But Mr Roberts does. He doesn't let me keep my earphones in. He doesn't know how constantly close to tears I'm in, how many times I've almost burst into tears because I just feel so alone and unsafe. That classroom doesn't bother me as much as maths. But at least for maths I can have my earphones. It's the same sort of thing with science but the room is so spacious, so open I feel safe. I don't need them because I don't feel trapped. I wish I had people who would realise. Who would look at me and realise how close to tears I am. Who would look at me and not even ask me if I was ok just give me a hug and be there for me. But I think I'm pretty good at hiding it. Noone notices when I'm not ok.


	2. The girl I hate the most in the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me ranting about the girl and group who fucked me up mentally and art the reason for my suicidal thoughts and sled loathing

Do you know what it feels like to hate something, something that broke you, something that ruined how you think, your brain, something that you despise with all your being. Now turn that into a person. That is what she was to me. She hated me, and not even in a subtle way she would just straight up tell me sorry, I know I'm a dick but I hate you so shut the fuck up and go somewhere else. She hated me so so much. I don't know why I didn't leave sooner, I honestly should have, that group didn't want me there, but at the time I didn't have anywhere else to go. Do you know how much it hurts, when someone just sits Infront of you and starts listing off all the reasons that they hate you. And you just sit there and can't do anything but agree and say yeah I am like that or yeah ur right because the second you want to fight for yourself you know you're going to cry. So u just bite your tongue, smile and say yeah, you're right. Do you know how much it hurts to be slapped just for sitting there, to have a shoe thrown in your face and then laughed at because you were being annoying. And then you just have to laugh it off with them and say dude that hurt because all the others agree that it's funny. It fucking hurts. I don't know how I stayed there for so long. She would constantly tell me she hated me, I spent one math lesson just crying in the bathroom because she and all the others had taken my earmuffs and thrown them around and refused to give them to me, then tried to hide them so I couldn't get them back. Fuck that really really hurt. But then, it was the last straw. So let me tell you a little story. I was sitting there on a bench with the others on my phone and she came up to me and asked if she could slap me. And I said no. So she slapped me. I got so, so mad. I felt like I was about to cry, she slapped my arm and it hurt so much, tho more emotional pain than physical. I didn't know what to do so I just sat there for a second then jumped up and barrelled into her, to push her back or hurt her, I don't know, I just knew I had to do something before I started crying. She kicked me in the stomach. It hurt so so much. It wasn't even a soft kick, like an actual kick to my stomach. I couldn't deal with it, I sat down and cried. And she made fun of me, for running at her as if I could do anything, after all I was weak. And then she left and half the group went after her. The other half stayed with me. And I defended her. I fucking defended her. When the one of two people who were on my side told me I should tell the teacher I said no, I said it wasn't her fault, she was just in a bad mood and that I shouldn't have run at her. I convinced them I was fine, even tho I was still crying. They listened to me and didn't tell. I told the teacher I was cramping and that was why my stomach hurt. Even after that I still defended her, if they brought it up I would say she was in he right, that I am annoying and whole she shouldn't have slapped me I shouldn't have reacted that way. I don't know if I was trying to convince them, or myslef. I couldn't go back to that group after that. So I joined an old group I used to be in last year. They are so nice, and I never have to talk to her again. Imagine how I felt when she showed up once. She knew where we saw and came to talk to the others. She terrifies me but also makes me so so angry. I felt like I was going to cry again. But I didn't and I stayed calm and just ate in silence. The second time she showed up, I felt so so horrible. To them she's a friend, a nice person. She even invited them to join her Instagram cult. Many of hem did. She didn't even talk to me but the whole time I felt so sick. I hate her, I hate her more than I hate everybody else for what she has don't to me. What that group has done to my mind. I never used to feel suicidal, I never used to feel so bad about myslef,so bad about my appearance, so worthless. Being excluded from stuff feels bad enough, it's worse when they say to your face no go away we don't want you here. That group fucked me up so much. I wish I never joined. I wish I never had to join. I'm so glad I'm out now, so glad I left. But every time anyone brings her up I feel so sick. I feel so scared. And because they all like her, I can't say I word. It hurts.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah...


End file.
